Chocolate Poopcakes… Cupcakes, I mean Cupcakes!
How to make the best cupcakes ever:
Start by searching for a recipe online.
Actually no! Start by having kids. You’ll need at least one, but preferably two or more. The more the merrier, and the more mess you’ll have to clean up.
When they reach school age, by all means, send them to school! At some point, perhaps a few years into elementary school, there will be a night when at least one of your kids has completed their homework. Unattainable as it sounds, it did happen in our household. More than once (proud parent moment).
Of course, the first kid to finish their homework will bug their sibling. The sibling will respond appropriately - by joining the game, then getting dragged back to homework by you. The first child will get bored again. They will pick a fight with their sibling. Get dragged away by you. They will dance, play and run with their puppy. They will get bored. They will bug their sibling. They will pick a fight with their sibling. They will dance, play and run with their sibling. And puppy. And you. They will get bored.
Then they will decide they must make cupcakes and bug the hell out of you so they and their sibling can make the ultimate mess of your kitchen.
So anyway! Taking this as a starting point. You’ll need:
kids (as many as you can tolerate in your kitchen)
1/2 cup butter
1 tsp vanilla
1/2 cup cocoa powder
1 1/2 cup flour
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup sugar
1/2 cup water
1/2 cup buttermilk
Help one of your children understand what mixer is. As a side note, I use a simple handheld mixer and it does the job just fine. You can buy one anywhere, for example a certain online source, which I personally use all the time.
Once your kids know what a mixer is, they are ready to spread sugar and butter unevenly across the countertop. While maintaining calm presence, complete creaming the butter and the sugar. Preferably in a bowl. Add vanilla. (To the bowl). Collect the egg your child gracefully broke on the countertop, and place it in the bowl. Mix well - it helps with anger management.
Have your children measure and mix the dry ingredients. Just kidding! Or not. You decide how much time you have for this project.
Somehow, mix in the dries into the wets, while also adding water and buttermilk. Wash your kids, kitchen, hands, puppy as much (or as little) as necessary to keep your sanity.
Contemplate having a glass of wine to take the edge off. Or have one, to hell with it. It’s happy hour somewhere.
Have your kids pour the batter into cupcake molds, two thirds full. -ish.
Bake at 375 for 15 minutes.
Whip up frosting with softened butter, cocoa powder, sugar, vanilla and whipped cream. Don’t bother with measurements at this point.
Try not to laugh when your kids compare the cupcakes with poop and pretend eating/throwing-at-each-other/pooping this frosting-poop.
Lose caution and devour four cupcakes before dinner.