How to Eat the Healthiest Possible Way
So, with the abundance of diets for all tastes, it's time to start eating healthy. Or stop eating healthy, if you lost track of what's healthy and what's not. Or redefine eating healthy, if you are so inclined. Basically, if you feel like you've been stuck figuring out the absolute best diet out there, this guide is for you! I do hope you find it helpful. And that you have a sense of humor. If, however, you lack the ability to laugh at yourself, or if you have a serious health condition that requires doctor visits, prescription medicine, and complete elimination of certain foods - then I genuinely wish you to get better, and perhaps to stop reading. In the spirit of the strictest disclaimers, I feel obliged to inform you that this guide is for those of us, who are generally healthy-ish and have been caught in the modern day craze of healthy eating. So, let's tackle the ultimate diet challenge!
First of all, you need to stop calling it "diet", and start calling it "protocol." I know it sounds silly, but it's of crucial importance to say you are on a "protocol." Otherwise, health-nuts just won't take you seriously.
Then, you must come up with a catchy name for your protocol. Remember the last time someone said they were on paleo? Boring! You don't want bore the hell out of your friends. So yes, you must have a solid name that will wow everyone you know. Something like, I dunno, say, MADNESS. Now, imagine saying you are on a madness protocol. Remember the yawns you were getting with paleo?... Madness! Wow, right?
Then you need to come up with a list of foods you exclude. Most of the time, it will be easier and faster to list out all the foods that are you actually allowed to eat, but trust me, that won't be as impressive as saying you exclude certain, if not all, food groups altogether.
Say, with our MADNESS example, you could go for excluding:
M. Meat (obviously, meat is the epitome of unhealthy food choices. Unless you are on GAPS, or paleo, or keto, hm, so maybe meat is not that bad after all?... I dunno! Let's exclude it just in case. Excluding meat is always impressive)
A. Animal products. This is also pretty straight forward. Actually I think it means meat as well, but that's okay. We can throw in eggs and milk and such. Also, poultry. Chickens are raised in inhumane conditions these days. That's like, even worse than commuting from the East Bay to the Peninsula, if you can believe it. Prop 12 (https://ballotpedia.org/California_Proposition_12,_Farm_Animal_Confinement_Initiative_(2018)) didn't just materialize out of thin air. It was meant to drastically improve lives. Chicken lives.
D. Dairy. Technically, you could say dairy is part of animal products. (I think). But maness doesn't sound as good as madness, and I haven't come up with a better exclusion starting with the letter "D."
N. N..... Hmm.... This one's a toughy! How about nuts?! I think most protocols consider nuts to be superfoods, but one could sway a little from mainstream protocols. Otherwise, you may end up on a major well-known protocol and miss the opportunity to impress others with your deep nutritional expertise and outside-the-box thinking. Or you may be tempted to cheat. Worse yet, you won't sound like you are truly committed to furthering a healthful lifestyle.
E. Eel. Because we got eggs covered, and eel clearly isn't super healthy. It lives in rivers and rivers are contaminated.
S. Sugar. That's one universal item that is consistently eliminated throughout all diets and protocols. Sometimes I think if we just stopped eating sugar, we wouldn't even need any diets or protocols to begin with! Why aren't we doing it? I dunno. I guess it's too hard or something. Or sugar is added to anything and everything we buy these days. Or it may adversely affect the food industry. And the book industry. And the blog industry. Is blogging an industry yet? Anyway! I get sidetracked a lot. Need my sugar, I guess.... Where was I? Oh yes -
S. Starches. Because, why not?
At this point, you may realize that you forgot to exclude grains. Which is kind of a problem, because everybody and their brother exclude grains. Unless they are grain-like seeds. In which case, they are superfoods, according to some experts. Additionally, we'd have to come up with a whole new acronym, and what a pain that is! And I assure you, the name of the protocol and the originality of its name are of paramount importance so I dare you to come up with a suitable one. It's really quite similar to website domain names. If you think you have at least a spark of creativity in you, try coming up with a suitable domain name that hasn't been taken ;) How do you think almostmarypoppins came to life?
All right, now that we have completed this virtual (and futile) exercise, I would like to actually dare you to come up with a new food protocol name in the comments below.
Then, follow this protocol for a week, give it up (along with sugar and alcohol) and live happily ever after :)